


No Lying After Dying

by srslyitsnina



Category: NBC - Fandom, Newsies (1992), Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken, The Good Place (TV)
Genre: DAVE IS A LAWYER, David Jacobs is Chidi Anagonye, F/M, Jack Kelly is Eleanor Shellstrop, Jack is an ashole, Joe Pulitzer is Shawn, Katherine Plumber Pulitzer is Tahani Al-Jamil, M/M, Racetrack Higgins is Jianyu/Jason Mendoza, Spot Conlon is Janet, i am so excited, some changes, thanks to my best friend Isis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-01 14:30:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15775998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/srslyitsnina/pseuds/srslyitsnina
Summary: Jack Kelly learns how to be a good person.BASED OFF OF THE HIT NBC SERIES The Good Place.





	No Lying After Dying

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PenzyRome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenzyRome/gifts).



    Jack Kelly was sitting on a nice couch and he looked around, trying to place where he was. The room he was in was clean and everything looked meticulously placed. In front of him, there were green letters that said ‘Welcome! Everything is fine.’

   The door to his right opened and a man that looked around his age stepped through it. "Jack Kelly," the man spoke to him with a warm tone. "Come on in."

   Jack stupid up and followed the man through the door. He stepped into what looked like a therapist's office. “Hi Jack, I’m Crutchie. Please, have a seat." Jack sat. "How are you today?”

   “I’m great, thanks for asking.” Jack said. “Wait, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what’s going on?”

    “Right,” Crutchie spoke. “So you, Jack Kelly, are dead.” Jack slowly nodded. “Your life on Earth has ended. And now you are in your next phase of your existence in the universe.”

   Jack processed this. “Cool,” he said. “Cool, I have some questions.”

   “Thought you might,” Crutchie chuckled.

   “How did I die,” Jack questioned, racking his brain. “I-I don’t remember.”

   “Oh, yes,” the other man spoke. “In case of traumatic or embarrassing deaths, we erase the memory to allow for a peaceful transition. Are you sure you wanna hear?” Jack nodded. 

   “Alright, so you were on an outside balcony, two stories up. And you fell off onto the sidewalk.”

   “Oof, so that’s how I died,” Jack commented.

   “No, sorry, there’s more,” Crutchie spoke again. “And then, two people carrying a box with a tv, dropped it onto your head. Funnily enough, one of the first to arrive was a street performer dressed up as Elmo.”

 “Okay, I get it... Thank you,” Jack interrupted, before the other could go on.

   “Oh, okay, sorry.”

   “Um, so who was right about all of this,” Jack questioned, moving his hands in a gesture.

   “Okay, let’s see. Hindus are a little bit right. Jews, Christians, Bhuddists, Muslims. Every religion was about five percent right. Except for Jason Mendoza.”

   “Wh-who’s Jason Mendoza?,” Jack asked, very confused.

   “Well, Jason Mendoza was a stoner kid from Florida in 2015. One night he got really high on spray paint, and his friend Pillboi said, ‘Hey, what do you think happens after we die?’ And Jason just launched into this long monologue where he got 92% of it correct.”

   “I mean, we couldn’t believe what we were hearing. That’s him actually,” Crutchie said, pointing toward a painting to Jack’s right. The painting depicted a young Asian man with a dumb grin on his face. Even in the picture, Jack could tell that the guy was high. “I’m very lucky to have that,” Crutchie added.

   “So, maybe my biggest question is am I? Is this,” Jack trailed off. Crutchie looked at him expectantly.

   Jack pointed up. “Or,” Jack pointed down and blew a raspberry.

   “Well, it’s not the heaven-or-hell idea you were raised on,” Micheal said. “But, generally speaking, in the afterlife, there’s a Good Place and a Bad Place. You’re in the Good Place.”

   Jack exhaled sharply. “You’re safe, Jack. You’re in the Good Place.”

   “Well, that’s good,” Jack said, smiling.

   “Sure is,” Crutchie agreed. “Okay, let’s take a walk, shall we?”

   And with that, Jack and Crutchie got up, and walked out of the door.

   “Oh, did I have a wallet,” Jack wondered aloud. “No, wait. I’m dead, okay.”

 

*********theme song*********

       NO LYING AFTER DYING

                  chapter one

**************************

   “So, this is how it works,” Crutchie said, walking alongside Jack, who was looking around at everything. It all looked so cozy. “The Good Place is divided into distinct neighborhoods.” Jack looked and saw a shop that had a sight that read ‘YO-YO FROYO’.

   “Each one contains exactly three hundred and twenty-two people,” Crutchie continued. “Who have been perfectly selected to blend together into blissful harmony. Jack saw another shop called ‘Your Favorite Smells as Candles’ and he saw a couple more frozen yogurt shops.

   “Do all the neighborhoods look like this,” Jack asked, still looking all around him. 

   “No,” Cruthie said. “Every  neighborhood is unique. Some have cold weather, some have warm weather. Some are in glaciers, some are in the side of mountains,” he stopped and looked at Jack in the eye.

   “But in each one, every blade of grass, every ladybug, every detail, has been precisely designed and calibrated for its residents.”

   Jack, feeling slightly uncomfortable, decided to change the subject, casually. “There are a lot of frozen yogurt shops.”

   “Yeah,” Crutchie sighed. “That’s the one thing we put into all of the neighborhood. People love frozen yogurt, I don’t know what to tell you.” Crutchue clicked his tongue suddenly, and put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “You’re going to have a billion questions I know, but for right now: grab a seat, the movie’s about to begin.”

   Jack looked to where the other was pointing and saw rows of chairs facing a small hill. Jack walked and sat, wondering which movie he was going to watch and how he was going to watch it.

   Just then, a screen appeared out of nowhere, and Crutchie appeared on the screen. 

   “Hello everyone,” said the Crutchie on the screen. “Welcome to your first day in the afterlife. You were, simply put, good people. But, how de we know that you were good people? How are we sure?

   Letters that spelt ‘GOOD vs BAD: an Explanation’ appeared on the screen.  “During your time on Earth, every one of your actions, had a positive or negative value, depending  on how much good or bad that action put into the universe. Every sandwich you ate, every time you bought a soap opera magazine, every single thing you did, had an effect that rippled over time. And ultimately, created some amount of good or bad. You know some people pull into the breakdown lane when there’s traffic, and they think ‘Ah, who cares? No one is watching.’”

   “We were,” Crutchie paused. “Surprise!” Jack faked a chuckle, so he could laugh with the others, but he knew for a fact, that he did that a lot when he was alive.

   “Anyway, your time on Earth has ended we calculate the total value of your life, using our perfectly accurate measuring system. Only with the people with the very highest scores, the true cream of the crop, get to come here, to the Good Place. What happens to everyone else, you ask? Don’t worry about it,” Crutchie spoke, waving his hand in a ‘don’t worry’ gesture.

   “The point is, you are here because you lived one the very best lives that could be lived. And you’re not alone,” he paused. “Your true soulmate is here, too!” 

   The crowd started to gasp and murmur. “That’s right,” Crutchie continues. “Soulmates are real. One of the other people from your neighborhood is your _actual_  soulmate. And you get to spend eternity with each other. So welcome to an eternity of happiness.

   “ _Welcome to the Good Place_. Sponsored by: a lion and a tiger, cuddling. You know that feeling when you see two unlikely animals being friends? That’s how you’ll feel, for the rest of your life,” Crutchie ended, and everyone, including Jack, clapped.

—cut scene—

   “So, who’s in the Bad Place that would surprise me,” Jack said, walking alongside Crutchie through a field.

   “Well, let’s see. Bob Dylan, Elvis, John Lennon... Basically every artist ever. Oh, and every president except Buchanan.”

   “That sounds about right. What about Alexander Hamilton,” Jack questioned.

   “Hmm, that was close, but nope. He didn’t make it,” Crutchie said, solemnly.

   “Wow, I cant believe that. All those amazing people,” Jack paused in disbelief. “ _Down there_. It’s just so hard to believe.”

   Crutchie stopped walking, Jack followed suit, and Crutchie looked Jack directly in the eye.

   “Again, it’s an incredibly selective system. Most people don’t make it here. But you, a social worker, who saved thousands of kids and put guilty, abusive parents in jail, you’re special Jack Kelly,” he praised. Jack couldn’t help but smile. What else could he do?

   “And by the way,” Crutchie added. “Welcome to your new home,” Crutchie turned Jack to face a giant, white cube with windows and a door. “It’s perfect, isn’t it? You see, in the Good Place, very person gets to live in a home that matches his or hers true essence.”

   “Cool, I guess that means, my house for example, is this cool modern style house, where as other people might have homes that look regular, like that one,” Jack pointed to a house on his left that showed a normal house with a Pickett fence.

   “Exactly, I’m so glad you get it,” Crutchie explained.

—cut scene—

   “So as you can see, the interior has been decorated just the way you like it, minimalistic and mustard yellow,” the man spoke. “Oh, oh oh, of course you love bats,” Crutchie spoke, gesturing to a wall with pictures of bats.

   “I do love bats,” Jack agreed.

   “So, let me show w you the video system,” the other man spoke, and when he waved his hand, a screen appeared, bearing his name with accomplishments around his name. “It shows everything that happened on your life, from your point of view.” Crutchie selected an accomplishment titled _Janet_ , and a video of a court case came into the screen.

   “This is when you fought to save this little girl, Janet, whom had an abusive family, but there was no evidence, and you ended up winning the case. I mean, you gat a lot of points for that. That really put you over the top.”

   Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “David, come on on,” Crutchie said. And then, a beautiful, Jewish man walked through the door, wearing a pin striped, brown suit. 

   “Jack, I’m David Jacobs, and you are my soul mate,” said the guy who just walked through Jacks door. 

   Jack let it sink in. “Cool, bring it in, bro,” and with that, David walked in and hugged Jack.

   “Now,” Crutchie started, while the two were hugging. “I have other people to attend to, if you’ll excuse me.”

—cut scene—

   “So, where are you from,” Jack asked, bringing him and his new soulmate to sit on the couch. 

   “Well, I was born France, raised in Germany, but my work took me everywhere. Seoul, Johannesburg, Athens. What about you,” David asked.

   “Well, I was born in Trenton, New Jersey. I went to college in Jersey City. And then I moved back to Trenton, New Jersey.”

   David raised his shoulders and give a happy grin to Jack.

   “Your English is amazing,” Jack commented. 

   “Oh! I’m actually speaking German right now. This place just translates whatever you say into a language the other person can understand, it’s really incredible!” David said, and he grabbed Jack’s hands.

   “And now I want to say this: Jack, I have spent my entire life in pursuit in fundamental truths about the universe. And now we can actually learn about them together now, as soulmates. It’s very overwhelming,” David said, beaming. 

   He looked at David for a long moment. “David, you’ll stand by me no matter what, right,” Jack said, still holding his soulmates’ hands. 

   “Of course I will,” He trailed off, not sure where this was going. 

   “Promise me,” Jack demanded. “Say ‘I promise that I will never betray you, for _any_ reason.” 

   “Jack, I promise you that I will never do or say anything to betray you for whatever reason, or cause you any harm,” David said, looking Jack dead in the eye, and squeezing Jack’s hands.

   “Good,” Jack said quickly. “Because those aren’t my memories,” he said pointing to the   screen. I wasn’t a social worker, I never helped a kid named Janet, bats freak me out.” 

   David started to widen his eyes in confusion. “There’s been a big mistake, I’m not supposed to be here,” Jack finished, waving his hands in sort of a ‘surprise!’ gesture.

   “Wait, what,” David asked.


End file.
